{"id":2285,"date":"2025-06-10T16:07:00","date_gmt":"2025-06-10T23:07:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/?p=2285"},"modified":"2026-06-22T16:12:40","modified_gmt":"2026-06-22T23:12:40","slug":"when-its-no-longer-safe-to-have-a-self","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/when-its-no-longer-safe-to-have-a-self\/","title":{"rendered":"When it&#8217;s no longer safe to have a self"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-block-embed-youtube wp-embed-aspect-16-9 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<div class=\"jetpack-video-wrapper\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"When it&#039;s no longer safe to have a self\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/t-PlWplCcNU?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/div>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">When It\u2019s No Longer Safe to Have a Self<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>There\u2019s a lot of mystification in modern spirituality around the idea of the \u201cself.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>People say things like \u201cthe self is an illusion\u201d or they talk about \u201cmy true self\u201d or \u201cmy authentic self\u201d.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And sometimes that language points to something real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But sometimes it&#8217;s just control dressed up in spiritual garments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s how it works:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>At the center of every high-control group\u2014whether it\u2019s a dysfunctional family or a spiritual organization\u2014is one basic dynamic: enmeshment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Enmeshment sets the stage<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>In healthy systems, each person has a clear emotional perimeter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My feelings. Your feelings. My will. Your will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But in enmeshed systems, that perimeter dissolves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Suddenly, disagreement is betrayal. Discomfort is danger. Boundaries are \u201cunspiritual.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You don\u2019t know where you end and the group begins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And the more tightly-knit the culture, the less inner distance you have to evaluate what\u2019s actually happening to you. The group\u2019s preferences start to feel like your intuitions. You start to conform without realizing you\u2019re doing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Some groups even aestheticize this. That\u2019s where phrases like \u201cbeauty and harmony\u201d come in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Suddenly, telling the truth is framed as \u201cshit-stirring.\u201d Setting a boundary is \u201crocking the boat.\u201d Saying \u201cno\u201d means you\u2019re \u201cbeing divisive.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And when beauty and harmony become criteria for advancement?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\u2019s not spirituality. That\u2019s just social control with a smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And because beauty is subjective, you have to ask: Whose idea of beauty are you being asked to perform? Who gets to define harmony? And what do you have to erase in yourself to be seen as \u201cmature\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Emotional manipulation drives compliance<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Once you\u2019re enmeshed, emotional manipulation becomes the control mechanism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It can look like love-bombing\u2014\u201cWe adore you when you conform.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Or shame\u2014\u201cYour honesty is demoralizing people.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Or weaponized silence\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re being divisive.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Your nervous system learns to scan for subtle shifts in tone, in language, in approval. And it course-corrects automatically, even before a conscious thought forms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Selfhood always requires courage. Saying \u201cno\u201d can feel scary, especially when you\u2019re new to a group.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But if you\u2019ve been part of something for months or even years and you\u2019re afraid speaking up is \u201crocking the boat\u201d or \u201ccausing a problem,\u201d that could very well be a sign you\u2019re being trained\u2014like an animal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It doesn\u2019t matter what jargon is used. That\u2019s unhealthy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This is not hypothetical for me. When I came into spirituality, I thought I had a strong sense of self. I was reflective. I asked good questions. I wanted to serve. But over time, I started seeing the small, subtle acts of self-betrayal\u2014without even realizing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And because I\u2019m a self-critical person, I always assumed the problem was me. Not the relationships I was in. Not the system I was in. Not the way spiritual language was being used to dissolve clarity, punish truth, and elevate conformity over courage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But the more my sense of self grew\u2014the more comfortable I became saying \u201cno,\u201d setting boundaries, protecting my time, emotional energy, and clarity\u2014the less I felt I fit into the community that claimed to be about True Will and authentic selfhood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Let\u2019s get even more specific.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>There\u2019s a framework I\u2019ve found useful for naming these patterns. It\u2019s called the BITE model, and it describes how high-control groups manipulate people on four levels:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Behavior<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Information<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Thought<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Emotion<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>Let me show you how it plays out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The BITE Model in action<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Behavior Control:<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>You\u2019re told who you have permission to speak to or be friends with.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Policy gets retrofitted in real-time to constrain you, but not others.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You\u2019re discouraged from taking actions that are perfectly reasonable\u2014lest they make important people uncomfortable.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Information Control:<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Your private posts get screenshotted and passed up the chain.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Rumors circulate before you\u2019ve even had a chance to speak.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You\u2019re counseled or reprimanded for things you didn\u2019t say, in rooms you were never in.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Thought Control:<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>You write something thoughtful and critical\u2014and suddenly it\u2019s \u201cdisrespectful.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You\u2019re reminded of your oaths. Of your \u201cduty to promote harmony.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Disagreement is framed as disloyalty. Clarity as arrogance.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Instead of asking <em>why<\/em> people feel anxious, they\u2019re told not to be.<br><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Emotional Control:<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>You\u2019re love-bombed when you comply\u2014and quietly punished when you don\u2019t.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You\u2019re reassured, not because you\u2019re safe\u2014but so you\u2019ll stay compliant.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You feel fear every time you think about setting a boundary.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>The cumulative effect? You no longer trust your instincts. You censor yourself before anyone else does. And you wake up one day and realize: You don\u2019t actually feel safe having a self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If that sounds familiar, you\u2019re not alone. And you\u2019re not crazy. This happens in spiritual spaces all the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s the truth: The purpose of spiritual practice is to help you become more yourself, not less. Any system that asks you to dim your clarity, question your instincts, or suppress your \u201cno\u201d in the name of beauty or harmony?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\u2019s not a spiritual path. That\u2019s a performance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It doesn\u2019t matter how much jargon they use around personal growth. It\u2019s a simulation that trades sovereignty for status.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So be careful. Watch for the subtle\u2014or not so subtle\u2014ways communities try to erase your sense of self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It can start with beautiful language. It can start with love. It can start with a longing for connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But if it ends in silence, shame, and the slow death of your clarity?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Walk away.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When It\u2019s No Longer Safe to Have a Self There\u2019s a lot of mystification in modern spirituality around the idea of the \u201cself.\u201d People say things like \u201cthe self is an illusion\u201d or they talk about \u201cmy true self\u201d or \u201cmy authentic self\u201d.&nbsp; And sometimes that language points to something real. But sometimes it&#8217;s just&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[32,505,67,66,488,487,2],"class_list":["post-2285","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-aleister-crowley","tag-cults","tag-ordo-templi-orientis","tag-oto","tag-oto-high-control-group-2","tag-oto-high-control-group","tag-thelema"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2285","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2285"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2285\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2286,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2285\/revisions\/2286"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2285"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2285"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2285"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}