Not all initiations begin with candles and blindfolds. Some begin in silence. Some begin with panic. Some begin the moment you stop pretending.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Many people see leaving a high-control group like O.T.O. as a collapse\u2014even a failure\u2014especially if you leave angry. But what if it\u2019s something else entirely?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Four Powers of the Sphinx\u2014To Know, To Will, To Dare, and To Keep Silent<\/em>\u2014are mainstays of Thelemic magick. In O.T.O., they\u2019re meant to culminate in the integrity of the body of light. But what if these powers aren’t ceremonial ideals?<\/p>\n\n\n\n What if they\u2019re ceremonies of self-reclamation? <\/p>\n\n\n\n What if they\u2019re the very path of leaving?<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Over my 11 years in O.T.O., I gradually rose through the ranks. I didn\u2019t just rack up degrees. I gained influence and power. I\u2019ve been accused of having left O.T.O. because I didn\u2019t get my way. The truth is: O.T.O. bestowed many honors on me. But while my status outwardly grew, something else was happening inside of me: the disquieting realization that the values the organization was supposed to be committed to\u2014and which I was following and teaching to new people\u2014weren\u2019t being followed by the organization\u2019s top leadership.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rather than ignore this disparity, I turned toward it. I began asking myself the same questions I told all new Minervals to regularly ask themselves:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Despite the fact that self-knowledge is a requirement of O.T.O. early degree work, most never go through this process. They never discover their true will or put it in words. They never reflect it against the true will of O.T.O.\u2014the actual <\/em>will, not the one on paper. And by the time they begin to register the disparity at the level of the body\u2014in the form of exhaustion or even panic attacks\u2014it\u2019s too late. They believe they\u2019ve sunk too much into the organization to ask hard questions, and so they continue on until their body no longer lets them. That\u2019s how people burn out\u2014or flame out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I never let it get to that point. I chose my own time, emotional energy, vitality, and eroticism over the organization. But as my loyalty to my own true will sharpened, so did the constant distortion the organization demanded of me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And its cost. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I sat down and did the math. I worked out on paper how my role as lodge master\u2014once accepted with a clear agreement about boundaries, vision, and support\u2014had become structurally impossible to fulfill. I wrote out the numerous examples in which I had been:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I realized what my position required of me\u2014constant emotional labor, political endurance, and tolerance for hypocrisy\u2014was no longer aligned with my ethics, energy, or vision for communal spiritual work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This was the hardest moment. I wanted to look away. I wanted to pretend there was a way forward. The contradiction hit like a wave\u2014visceral, undeniable. I was hit with fear\u2014even existential dread. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But this is where the courage to stay with the truth and see it clearly was so important. Because it eventually became clear to me: the contradiction I was facing was not between staying in O.T.O. and leaving. It was between self-loyalty and self-abandonment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I chose self-loyalty, and I stepped down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Because staying would have meant betraying myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n After the choice was made, I still had a lot of work in front of me: <\/p>\n\n\n\n But everything was an order of magnitude easier. The first step I took was the most difficult\u2014but every step after that got easier. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is exactly what Crowley means when he says that a person doing their will has the inertia of the universe to assist them. When you\u2019re no longer at war with yourself, all of your power returns to you. You see yourself in proportion. And in my case, I saw I towered over the institution\u2014and everyone in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For those of you reading this who find yourself stuck in seemingly impossible situations\u2014toxic workplaces, family systems, or romantic relationships\u2014ask yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Will <\/em>is the central concept in Thelema, but it is endlessly mystified. Let\u2019s bring it down to earth:<\/p>\n\n\n\n To will is to refuse distortion<\/em>. Distortion for others. But distortion for ourselves in the service of misguided ideals and dreams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n People have written weekly\u2014sometimes daily\u2014to say just how gosh darn \u201cconcerned\u201d they are that I\u2019ve spoken out against O.T.O. New Agers are soaked in therapyese<\/em>. They won’t say \u201cI\u2019ll pray for you.” Instead they say ridiculous things like, \u201cI hope you feel better soon. :)\u201d while not caring at all\u2014or even hating you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And I\u2019ve generously replied\u2014both to them and other nasty commenters\u2014not because I think their concern for me is sincere or because I hope to convince them. But because I want onlookers to see\u2014that you can stand up to bullies:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not everyone leaves the same way. Some people leave in a fractured, fragile state. It takes them years to reclaim themselves and their narrative. I honor those people and their path.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I reclaimed myself and my voice while still inside.<\/em> That made me a foreign organism, but it also allowed me to act from a place of inner power that others may not have had the moment they walked out the door. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Every week I receive comments to the effect of, \u201cWe miss your videos on magick and occult philosophy. I hope you get therapy soon [you fucking low-life piece of shit].\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let me be clear: this was<\/strong> magick. Not ceremony or symbolism, but the presence of living fire.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s not arrogance\u2014it\u2019s recognition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn\u2019t leave O.T.O. because I couldn\u2019t handle it. I left because I became what its rituals only gesture toward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once the fire moved through me, silence meant something different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Staying became impossible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So did shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are two critical moments in the initiation rituals of O.T.O. They occur right next to each other:<\/p>\n\n\n\n One is the inexpressibility of true mystery. The other is unshakable trust in oneself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They are both connected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because the real mystery can\u2019t be handed to you. It can only be found the moment you refuse distortion. The moment you become sovereign. The moment you walk away, with your fire intact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They didn\u2019t initiate me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I did<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Not all initiations begin with candles and blindfolds. Some begin in silence. Some begin with panic. Some begin the moment you stop pretending. Many people see leaving a high-control group like O.T.O. as a collapse\u2014even a failure\u2014especially if you leave angry. But what if it\u2019s something else entirely? The Four Powers of the Sphinx\u2014To Know,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[488,487],"class_list":["post-2191","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-oto-high-control-group-2","tag-oto-high-control-group"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2191","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2191"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2191\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2201,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2191\/revisions\/2201"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2191"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2191"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lapis-mercurii.org\/lvx\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2191"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\u2652 To Know: The Audit<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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\u264c To Dare – The Refusal<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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\u2649 To Will – The Shift in Power<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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\u264f To Keep Silent – The Grail of Fire<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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\ud83d\udd25They Didn\u2019t Initiate Me. I Did.<\/h1>\n\n\n\n